I blogged recently about a process of evaluating the period that is ending—considering what has happened, both good and bad. Now poised at the cusp of a new year—or entering a new chapter after the occurrence of a significant event—it’s time to shift focus from the past to the future. 
 
Depending on why you are facing a new chapter in your life, this can be a scary and challenging time. In the midst of that circumstance, I encourage you to notice the opportunity that lies before you. The possibilities can be endless when starting with a blank slate.

Envision Your Own Future
 
As you look ahead, I encourage you to create a vision for yourself about what would make this next chapter in your life (or upcoming year) fulfilling. 
 
As you look ahead, I encourage you to create a vision for yourself about what would make this next chapter in your life (or upcoming year) fulfilling. 
 
For many, fulfillment relies at least in part on your ability to be who you want to be, instead of the person others want you to be. This calls you to think about your own identity. How do you want to be able to describe yourself, and how do you want to be seen by others? This can translate to various levels—your personal identity, your professional identity, your relationship to others (friends or family members or as a person who is a part of an organization), or your identify as it relates to culture, whether defined by race, gender, age, religion, sexual preference, or otherwise. Being a person comfortable in your own skin is a giant first step, and it may involve change.
 
Another part of your new vision may involve thinking about purpose. I feel that those who live with purpose are the ones who are already on a path to fulfillment. What do you want to accomplish, whether it is in your career, in the work you may do as a volunteer, or as a member of your family?  
 
Embrace the chance to see yourself as you truly are and make the shift to become the person you want to be. Acknowledge that you can envision a future in which you have established a purpose for yourself and an identity that will contribute to a fulfilling life ahead.  
 
Best wishes to all for a brighter 2022!

So here we are: The calendar is telling us that it needs to be replaced with a new version that will have dates ending in 2022. 
 
For some, the new year in itself indicates a new chapter. This seems a bit contrived, as there are more significant transitions—a new job, a new city or town to live in, adapting to the death of a loved one, or the transition I work with, involving divorcing clients.
 
Regardless of the view one takes, preparing for a new chapter (or new year) can be seen as an opportunity to envision goals and create a plan to achieve them.
 
One starting point in this process can be to take a hard and honest look at the chapter (or year) that is ending.
 
Many organizations prepare what is known as an End of Year Report. These reports are usually filled with nice charts that document results, along with a narrative that explains what has been accomplished. Interestingly enough, many of these reports aren’t published until well after the end of the year. Such reports may be useful for organizations, but evaluating our lives in charts seems cold and impersonal.
 
I think it makes total sense to look at what you have been able to accomplish as you make significant transitions, whether it be the job you are leaving, the place you’re moving from, the year that is closing, or the marriage that is ending.
 
Nonetheless, I think it makes total sense to look at what you have been able to accomplish as you make significant transitions, whether it be the job you are leaving, the place you’re moving from, the year that is closing, or the marriage that is ending.
 
Some simple questions to consider:

1. What are the good things that have happened in my life over the course of the past year related to my job? the place I’ve lived? my marriage? my children?
2. What did I do that made these good things happen?
3. What have I learned about myself?
4. In considering the challenges that I faced this year, what was my contribution to any negative experience?
5. Based on what has happened, what would I do differently and why?

 
This process of self-reflection can be the foundation for a productive new path forward. 

I just received an email with an offer to read an ebook written by a gentleman who has been through a divorce. From what I can tell, he wants to make sure that every husband/father understands that the legal system is stacked against fathers. He promises the answers about how fathers can pick themselves up from being beaten down in a divorce, get their lives back and be successful.
 
This reminds me of an attorney who advertises on Chicago television about fathers’ rights and offers to be their “aggressive” champion in court.
 
In my experience, gender wars are not limited to advocates for fathers’ rights. I have worked with women who are divorce professionals and/or financial planners who have themselves been through terrible divorces. Their experiences have defined a purpose and calling for themselves—to protect wives facing divorce from what they see as an inherent power imbalance between divorcing partners.
 
I am sure that some of what drives these messages is true—especially as it relates to power inequities. Advocacy has an important role to protect those who are otherwise unable to protect themselves. What concerns me is that some advocacy can transform a productive conversation (in a setting like mediation) into an adversarial exchange (in litigation) that doesn’t necessarily benefit anyone.
 
Mediation as a process can be structured to address power imbalances. In my mediation sessions I always make sure that both partners are heard. When one partner isn’t speaking, because of fear, I take steps to bring out that person’s voice.
 
Mediation as a process can be structured to address these power imbalances. In my mediation sessions I always make sure that both partners are heard. When one partner isn’t speaking, because of fear, I take steps to bring out that person’s voice, or in an extreme case, terminate the mediation. While some think the judicial system is biased against fathers (I will leave it to others to challenge that premise), I am clear that the mediation process is a neutral setting where parents can talk about their children and the dissolution of their marriage on an even playing field.
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What I find disturbing about gender-based opinions on divorce—especially those that are based on the experiences of others—is that it doesn’t seem appropriate to paint every divorce with the same brush. In my practice, most mothers want their soon-to-be ex-spouse involved in the lives of their children, and most husbands understand that there needs to be a reasonable compromise to arrive at a mutually acceptable outcome for their divorce. So I would ask you to remember that anyone telling you what happened to them or what happened to others in their divorce is simply that—someone else’s narrative, which may not apply to you at all.