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David’​s Blog

What is the Real Truth?

1/27/2020

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The end of a marital relationship is a significant life transition.
 
When I am meeting with a couple, either in mediation or in a collaborative divorce, I describe this transition as the intersection of the “road that got you here” and the “road of the future.” I ask my clients to allow the other spouse to be the sole owner of his or her “truth.”
 
In looking at their lives, two spouses often have a different picture of what happened in the past, why it happened, what it meant and how they felt about it. And perceptions about the present and future will differ as well.“Truths” will differ.
 
In our inefficient and costly legal system, much effort goes into the process of persuading a decision maker (usually a judge) that the picture of the truth held by one spouse is the “real” truth. In my opinion, this is a difficult if not impossible task. (Putting a square peg into a round hole comes to mind.) Is there a camera that recorded every second of these lives and can interpret the thoughts of the participants? I think not.
 
As a mediator or collaborative practice facilitator, I ask my clients to allow the other spouse to be the sole owner of his or her “truth”. Most importantly, I ask permission to enforce a simple rule–that one spouse not attempt to speak for the other. As much as we may think that we know our partner (even as we are ending a marriage), it’s an important boundary to give both partners a safe space where each can speak freely.
 
When we allow each other to speak our personal “truth,” we in turn can listen and we may even find that “our truth” may change–not through persuasion, but through understanding. This is a key step in moving toward mutually acceptable outcomes that help us to embrace the opportunity in our futures. 
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From Darkness to Light

1/10/2020

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The start of winter is defined by more darkness than light. So can be the emotional weather of those experiencing separation and divorce. Like the proverbial winter, sadness, uncertainty, fear and anger represent the dark emotions.
 
Yet as the New Year turns the corner to the end of January, we notice the light of each day is with us a little bit longer. The brightness of morning comes earlier, and nighttime is later.
 
In the same way, the transition through separation and divorce can be a light to a new chapter in life. The challenge of sadness can be the light that transforms into the opportunity for freedom from a marriage that did not work at its core.
 
Mediation as a process is the chance for planning to overcome uncertainty and assist both spouses to define future realities. Each decision made by a couple is a building block in their new separate roads, while maintaining connections that may be defined, such as parenting. While some spouses see the end of a marriage as the end of a personal relationship, others strive to remain connected personally, even beyond a lifetime parental relationship.
 
In the mediation process, the possibilities are defined by the two spouses who are deciding their futures with the help of a neutral who offers a safe and respectful space for exploration and planning.
 
Just as each day of winter is taking us to the light and promise of spring, my desire is to bring more light and hope to clients who are seeking to come out of darkness. This happens one conversation at a time, one decision at a time.
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David Louis, MPA, CDFA®   •   Louis Mediation Services - Chicago
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david@louisdivorcemediation.com
Chicago Office: 1700 W Irving Park Rd., Suite 105, Chicago, IL  60613
Northbrook Office: 555 Skokie Blvd., Suite 500, Northbrook, IL  60062
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(773) 633-0256
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  • Home
  • About David
    • Approach & Background
    • David Louis' Personal Story
    • Professional Experience
    • Training Log
  • Benefits of Mediation
  • How Mediation Works
    • Divorce Mediation Process and Outcomes
    • Financial Analysis
    • Parenting Plan
  • Resources
  • Blog
  • Contact