The divorce mediation process offers you a unique opportunity to engage in a meaningful dialogue with your spouse. As a neutral third party, I am there to assist you, so that, together, we can develop a plan for your separate futures. As your mediator, I provide you with tools so that you are both prepared to participate effectively in mediation discussion.
 
How to prepare for divorce conversations? Information—both provided by me and gathered by you—needs to be at your disposal. You can also prepare by coming into the mediation process with a clear mindset and focus, enabling you to speak, be heard, and hear the voice of the other.
 
How to prepare for divorce conversations? Information—both provided by me and gathered by you—needs to be at your disposal. You can also prepare by coming into the mediation process with a clear mindset and focus, enabling you to speak, be heard, and hear the voice of the other.
 
On an emotional-level and a thought-level, preparation involves knowing what most matters to you and what you see as the challenges that may impede achieving your short- and long-term goals.
 
As you contemplate priorities for your future, I encourage you ask yourself some simple questions:
 

• Does it matter if this happens or not?
• How much does it matter (in other words, what kind of priority is this for me)?
• What are the consequences to me (and/or our children) if what I am seeking doesn’t happen for me in our discussions?
• What will be my role in making my future happen? (Can I do this myself, or will I need help from my soon-to-be ex-spouse?)
• What could my soon-to-be ex spouse do to help me achieve my goal, and how could they (and/or our children) benefit from contributing to my future success?
• What will be better in my life (and the lives of the children) if I can make happen what is important to me?

It’s always helpful to remember that meaningful dialogue goes in two directions. Just as you should be prepared to express yourself about what’s important, why it’s important, and plans you can suggest to make it happen, you should also prepare yourself to listen to your spouse, who will be sharing the same set of thoughts on their own behalf.
 
By helping you both stay focused on sharing thoughts, ideas and options, and by encouraging you to be open to what each other is saying, the mediation process can create a platform of understanding. Then learning can take place and create a foundation for constructive planning and decision making. 

One of the many challenges faced in households, whether one-parent or two-parent, is managing the cost of childcare.
 
Fortune magazine reported earlier this year that, during the pandemic, average daycare costs have increased by 41 percent, which is far above the overall rate of inflation. Obviously, this challenges household budgets.
 
Interestingly enough, I currently work with a client who owns a childcare facility. I’ve learned from that client that, like many employers, finding quality employees in the current economy has been extremely difficult. The balance between paying enough to keep good employees and ensuring financial survival for the business without raising costs is very hard to manage. Business owners know that customers can only afford so much in cost increases.
 
In the case of divorcing parents, there is recognition that parents have to work, and, in order to do so, the issue of how to pay for childcare must be addressed.
 
In the case of divorcing parents, there is recognition that parents have to work, and, in order to do so, the issue of how to pay for childcare must be addressed. For many families, this is a changing dynamic, as many had chosen for one parent to remain at home to help raise the children while the other worked. In my mediation practice and among those parents of young children whom I know, it’s no longer exclusively a mom’s job to stay at home, although, admittedly, there are still significantly more women than men who do so.
 
In most divorce mediation cases, the budget to support two separate households will no longer stretch far enough on one income. In two-income households that could once afford the cost of daycare (or a dedicated childcare provider, like a nanny or au pair), the establishment of a second household often unbalances the financial equilibrium once in place.
 
Our legal system has a straightforward way of addressing these challenges, namely, to declare that childcare costs allowing parents to work should be divided in proportion to the parents’ incomes. For some families, especially those who prefer to have the law decide the question, this provides certainty of the outcome, but may not address the overall challenge of supporting two financially sustainable households.
 
In divorce mediation, we can take the time to evaluate different options that can include both how to fill the need for childcare and how to address the costs.  Given the opportunity to use their own creativity, many parents rearrange work schedules to be available for their children during their designated parenting time. In some arrangements, parents are creating their own financial incentives by agreeing to take on the cost of childcare during their respective parenting time, with the understanding that, if they can adapt their work schedules, they can individually save on childcare costs.
 
Creative childcare arrangements are just one example of how mediation can help you see a challenge as an opportunity to develop an innovative solution, in partnership with your co-parent.

On many levels, divorce is a transition. One day you are living with someone you once thought you’d spend the rest of your life with, and the next day that person is living elsewhere.

One or both of you were working to pay the bills and save for the future, but that has changed. Each of you is now financially responsible for your own residence, doing it on your own income, with whatever support you are receiving from your ex. If you are the one paying, your income is now reduced to help your ex.

Perhaps the most difficult transition for some is realizing that your family routine has changed. Specifically, you probably don’t see your children every day, because they are living in two separate households.

Regardless of how you divided responsibility for the care of your children while you were married, divorce requires some big adjustments.

The Mediated Parenting Plan

In mediation I begin with these acknowledgements: You, as parents, have your past parenting experience to help guide you in planning for how you will co-parent your children after divorce. Also, while not able to sustain a marriage, many of you will recognize that you have done a good job at parenting and are raising your children to be responsible and successful adults.

When I am helping parents to create a parenting plan for their future in two households, I begin with these acknowledgments:

1. You, as parents, have your past parenting experience to help guide you in planning for how you will co-parent your children after divorce.
2. While not able to sustain a marriage, many of you will recognize that you have done a good job at parenting and are raising your children to be responsible and successful adults.

​There is emotional turmoil in divorce, and even reluctance to accept that your children will most likely not live with you 100 percent of the time. Still, a thoughtful parenting plan, developed in mediation, is an important first step in creating a healthy transition for your entire family.

Envisioning Your Children as Adults

In the early part of mediation, I ask you two simple questions to help keep you focused on your children’s future amidst the changes you are experiencing:

1. Envision your children as young adults who reflect your hopes and dreams for them. How would you describe them?
2. Between now and the time your children are grown, what can you do as parents to help them to become the young adults you envision?

This introduction to a visioning process for children can lay a foundation for constructive co-parenting, where you can determine how decisions are made, how time will be allotted between parents, and the co-parenting guidelines for communicating and setting expectations.

More Things to Consider

Here are a few other issues to be mindful of, as you think about how to manage the changes in your parenting process:

1. The roles of each of you as parents while you were married may shift as you each become responsible for the care of your children when they are with you. I’ve seen many parents who seemed less involved with their children step up and take more responsibility to ensure that they will remain an important part of their children’s lives.
2. You can remain united as parents in guiding your children even if you are doing so from separate households. Children have an uncanny ability to appeal to one parent after being refused something from the other parent—this happens in two-parent households as much as in one-parent households. Your children will benefit if you are cooperative and consistent instead of competitive.
3. Parenting in a single-parent household is hard. If you can each build in some time for yourselves, you will get the break you need to recharge and refocus. Together, you can give your children the benefit of rested and engaged parents.

Unlike the court system, where a judge has to referee and decide for parents how they will move forward, mediation offers the chance for you to set your own rules and expectations for co-parenting. When you do this well—and I assure you that many do—your children will carry with them the memory of parents who navigated a difficult transition with love and concern for their well-being.

In our best version of ourselves, we can be not only self-aware, but also prepared to listen carefully in a non-judgmental way to what others are saying. In conflict situations, however, it’s a significant challenge to be at our best and be open to what others are communicating.
 
When a marriage is ending, the roots lie in conflict between the spouses. In some cases, that conflict can be extreme, including abusive behavior and actions. More often, difficulty exists in a more subtle yet significant form between clients I work with as a divorce mediator.
 
As I learn from those who have studied and written about conflict theory, I am recognizing my own reactions. When I find myself in a conflict situation, my behavior is shaped by a defensive response to what I am hearing, interpreting it as a threat to something that matters to me. I respond with defensive statements; often this will set off the same triggers in the other person. This cycle is a major barrier to meaningful communication.
 
Using this knowledge, I am deepening my own understanding of what impedes your engaging in meaningful dialogue that will support making the important decisions surrounding your divorce.
 
The mediation process creates a unique opportunity for a conversation in which I can help you understand each other better and avoid the possibility of mistakenly interpreting the behavior of your spouse as a threat to what is important to you.
 
Most are looking to find the quickest and easiest path to ending a marriage, but the enormity of the decisions plus underlying conflict may obstruct this goal. The mediation process creates a unique opportunity for a conversation in which I can help you understand each other better and avoid the possibility of mistakenly interpreting the behavior of your spouse as a threat to what is important to you.
 
By exploring what matters to you and how you see this being challenged, you are available to a deeper conversation in which there will be less need to defend and more chance to acknowledge each other’s priorities. Then you can address the gap between the message intended by the speaker and the message heard by the listener. 
 
Listening can be hard. The mediator’s job is not only to be a good listener, but also to help clear the roadblocks so that you are a better listener. With listening and understanding, the foundation is set for progress.

Many marriages are fueled by dreams. Some of these dreams are about the near term—maybe a special vacation, purchase of a second home, or something else that both spouses envision with excitement.  
 
Other dreams are longer term—imagining what will happen when parents become “empty nesters” or making retirement plans for exotic travel or a move to a new place.
 
Dreams reflect hope and vision. They provide clarity, and they fuel focus and motivation.
 
Knowing all this, it’s totally understandable that the end of a marriage feels to many like the earth moving underneath them, creating an enormous sense of imbalance. After all, the dreams shared in a marriage are suddenly jeopardized, if not essentially cancelled. Hope for the future is transformed into a sea of uncertainty, perhaps creating a sense of hopelessness.
 
Yes, a divorce will call shared dreams into question. And especially for those who are older, what was once seen as a comfortable retirement may become more challenging.
 
Your dreams don’t have to end with your divorce, especially those goals that were not shared with your spouse. It’s even possible that, in a civil and respectful divorce, your soon-to-be ex-spouse will support your plans.
 
However, your dreams don’t have to end with your divorce, especially those goals that were not shared with your spouse. It’s even possible that, in a civil and respectful divorce, your soon-to-be ex-spouse will support your plans. Just because a decision is made to end a marriage does not mean that you cannot wish happiness for each other. Granted, in the moment, it may be hard to see happiness in your future, but a supportive ex can make it easier.
 
A case in point. Anne and Chris are two recent divorce mediation clients. Anne is an extremely talented designer who recently started her own business. For many small businesses starting out is hard, and making a living is even harder. In mediation, Chris has made it clear to Anne that he will continue to provide her with financial support for longer than might otherwise be required under the law. He specifically told her that he believes in her and will do what it takes to help her realize the dream that arose during their marriage.
 
Even when your marriage is ending, you can still have dreams, and it’s always possible that the person you are divorcing will still believe in you and your capabilities. It’s such possibilities that reinforce my belief in mediation as a process that can end a marriage without poisoning the relationship.

In my own divorce mediation practice over the years, I’ve found that most clients who start the mediation process with me stay with mediation and keep me as their mediator until a complete agreement has been reached. That’s probably true for most mediators.
 
Sometimes the fit between mediator and clients is not a good one, and this may not be discovered until the process has already begun.
 
Occasionally, I’ve started mediation with clients who choose to move on to another mediator. Sometimes the fit between mediator and clients is not a good one, and this may not be discovered until the process has already begun.
 
I’ve also noticed that the timing of taking up mediation in the divorce process may influence whether a couple stays with their original mediator. The earlier that you find yourself in the divorce process, the more likely it is that one or both of you will decide you are not yet ready to focus on the hard work of making a plan for moving forward.
 
As time passes, and readiness for both of you improves, emotions surrounding an early encounter with a mediator may cause the couple to reset with a new mediator. I’ve learned to accept this reality, both as one who has seen clients move on to another mediator, and as the mediator who has been engaged by a couple that had previously worked with another professional.
 
Recently, a couple sought me out because of dissatisfaction with their current mediator. In our consultation, I learned from them about mediation sessions being arbitrarily rescheduled by the mediator, a sense of not being “trusted” by the mediator, a lack of responsiveness and a lack of transparency.
 
Admittedly, I don’t know what the other mediator would say in response to those claims.  What I do know is that the values that were missing in the mediator these clients originally chose are exactly the values that I (and most mediators) stand behind— building trust, being flexible, being available, being responsive, being transparent. I want my clients to know who I am, what I do, how I do it, and why I do it.
 
While I accept that, along the way, I’ve seen clients move on to a new mediator (and surely this will happen again in the future), I am hopeful that those decisions will be based on factors that are beyond my control. 

Agendas can be very useful. In meetings, whether mediation sessions or divorce sessions with a collaborative divorce team, an agenda keeps us focused on the topics to be addressed.
 
While I am prepared to structure each and every mediation session, I want you to know that I will always be ready to help you with what is most important to you in mediation discussions.
 
As a mediator, my tendency is not to provide a formal agenda for a mediation session. That way I am honoring the wishes of clients, leaving things open to discuss what you want to address at a particular session. While I am prepared to structure each and every mediation session, I want you to know that I will always be ready to help you with what is most important to you in mediation discussions.
 
While an agenda that represents a structure and a plan for discussion can be constructive, bringing “one’s own agenda” to a mediation session or collaborative divorce session can be risky, if not dangerous.
 
Why risky? Whether it is a professional—a mediator or collaborative divorce attorney or neutral—or a client who comes with “an agenda,” that gesture can often be perceived as an effort to “control” the conversation or impose a set of your own values, beliefs and needs on others. Instead, honestly sharing about what is important to you is an entirely appropriate way to ask for understanding. 
 
If a mediator or collaborative facilitator imposes an agenda on the process, this can result in the conversation, and even the outcome, taking a direction overly influenced by the professional. What is preferable is engaging you as the clients in a process that empowers you to have a constructive dialogue that will promote understanding and resolution of the difficult issues involved in a divorce.
 
If you, as a spouse in a divorce mediation or collaborative divorce process, put forth your agenda, then your spouse may very well see this as a set of demands. I’ve found that when you shift your focus from “demands” to “proposals,” your spouse sees an invitation to consider an idea, instead of feeling pressured into an outcome that may not want be wanted.
 
Agendas, like mediation, work best when they function as neutral.

As an individual, I would be the first to admit to being a private person. While I may share personal details with friends, I am less inclined to do so with those I don’t know so well. While I own a personal Facebook account (I even once posted on Instagram!), my activity is limited to mostly acknowledging the kind birthday wishes of others and offering news regarding the accomplishments of my children and grandchildren. (Yes, I am a proud dad and Papi!)
 
I have a completely different perspective when it comes to my work as a family and divorce mediator. I want you to know as much about me as you want to know, whether it’s about how old I am (see above—I’m old!), my life experience, even my thoughts when it involves the legal system that applies to divorcing couples. (Those are not particularly positive.) Mediation requires serious conversations that consider very personal topics. Your choice of a mediator is an important personal decision that you need to be comfortable with. When I am engaged to mediate, I take this as a symbol of trust based on your deciding that I’m a good fit for you and your spouse.
 
Just as I see transparency as being essential to how I present myself to you, the mediation process itself must be transparent and open.
 
Just as I see transparency as being essential to how I present myself to you, the mediation process itself must be transparent and open. This often begins with sharing my goals for the mediation process: 
 

• That you will be heard and understood
• That, while a marriage is ending, parents will continue a lifelong relationship that can be preserved and enhanced through mediation
• That we will address the economic challenges facing families that are transforming from one household to two
• That decisions will be based on what works best for both of you and on informed choices

​One of the key components of informed decision making is full financial disclosure. This aspect of transparency is not negotiable in my mediation practice.  A marriage is, on one level, an economic partnership, and you both need to share with me and with each other the details of your financial circumstances. This transparency creates a level playing field, which reinforces my neutrality and ensures that financial decisions, like dividing your assets and debts, and creating a financial plan that establishes two sustainable households for you and your children, will be made under a bright light where we all see the same information. And can make the most appropriate choices.

Learning is both rewarding and challenging, especially when one is acquiring new skills. This year, I am exploring new techniques to incorporate into my mediation style—techniques that are focused on enhancing the ability of clients to learn from and understand each other.
 
The emotions surrounding divorce, whether manifested as anger, fear, sadness, or concerns around the underlying uncertainty of one’s future, often translate into behavior that can block meaningful dialogue. When clients cycle into a conflict pattern of persuasion, justification, repetition, withdrawal or other defensive behaviors, the road to eventual resolution is blocked.
 
To counter patterns of conflict, I seek to promote a mediation process that leads to understanding through constructive dialogue. Granted, understanding does not equal agreement, but it can form a foundation for considering ways to approach the difficult decisions that divorcing couples face.
 
To counter these patterns of conflict, I seek to promote a mediation process that leads to understanding through constructive dialogue. Granted, understanding does not equal agreement, but it can form a foundation for considering ways to approach the difficult decisions that divorcing couples face.
 
Each of us has values and beliefs that matter greatly to us, whether it is stability for our children, personal independence, effective and cooperative co-parenting, financial sustainability, or maintaining healthy relationships. If we perceive that any of these values are being challenged by the actions or words of others, there will be a tendency to push back.  Usually our resistance will face equal resistance from the other person in the conversation.
 
And so if you find yourself in that difficult conversation, going nowhere, I want to be there to help you both see what matters to the other, to ensure that you are interpreting accurately what your spouse is saying, and to help you share your vision of what can come out of a meaningful and constructive dialogue. My aim is to give you the freedom to create your own pathway to understanding each other better.
 
As I endeavor to build on my mediation skills, I hope to expand the educational aspect of mediation to include your chance not only to learn from what I do, but also, more importantly, to learn from each other.

When I was growing up in the 60s and 70s (yes, I am a “boomer”), journalism was seen by most as a profession with integrity. Unfortunately, not everyone feels that way anymore. But you can count me as one who still appreciates journalism that is based on diligent research and facts that uncover the truth.
 
For clients in my divorce mediation practice, our work together to craft a plan for the future has a lot in common with good journalism—in a word, my goal is to be thorough.
 
For clients in my divorce mediation practice, our work together to craft a plan for the future has a lot in common with good journalism—in a word, my goal is to be thorough.
 
Just like a news reporter, the elements that describe “thorough” are simply inquiries that cover all the bases:

• Who
• What/How
• When
• Where
• Why

 
In making your plan, it’s important to be clear about who will be responsible for carrying out a specific task. Without designating the responsible party, we miss out on accountability. Without accountability, cracks can form in any plan.
 
As you are thinking about what will be done, the details matter a great deal. The more specific you are, the less chance there will be for a misunderstanding down the line. When future disputes do occur, you are forced to revisit a difficult time of your life—and no one desires this.
 
Considering when something will happen is essential to making sure that expectations are met. I encourage you as my clients to set timeframes and deadlines, partly to avoid unnecessary pressure amidst an already stressful time, but even more to prevent either of you from feeling that the other is stalling or won’t live up to a commitment.
 
Where things will happen is particularly relevant in parenting discussions.  Often this relates to how children will transition from one parent’s care to the other’s.  
 
Finally, the why of any plan may not always make it into words, but a reason is there. I find clients may need to go through a process of self-examination to be at rest with a particular decision being made. Namely, “Will this address what I need to happen,” “Will this achieve something that I care deeply about,” or “Will this help both of us move forward?”
 
As your mediator, I am committed to the same standards as a good journalist—to report on what you’ve agreed to with integrity and accuracy.