In any successful relationship, trust is the foundation. When you can trust someone, you are more likely to be open and more willingly vulnerable in that person’s presence.
 
In many broken marriages, the trust between spouses has diminished—a little or even to the point of being missing entirely. For example, trust evaporates when there has been infidelity or a lack of honesty.
 
In divorce mediation cases, the absence of trust can be quite challenging. An underlying principle of mediation is that you both make a good faith effort to work toward an agreement that will satisfy both of you. Even when trust is at a low, protocols that include full financial disclosure (and possibly sworn financial affidavits) can provide the fuel for agreements in spite of loss of trust.
 
While it can be difficult or in some cases nearly impossible to rebuild trust, there are elements of trust, which I describe as pillars, that you can consider employing during the mediation process.

While it can be difficult or in some cases nearly impossible to rebuild trust, there are elements of trust, which I describe as pillars, that you can consider employing during the mediation process. The goal does not have to be rebuilding trust (although when that does happen, the chances of a better future relationship are greatly improved). The goal can simply be to prevent your mediation discussions from stalling or going backwards.
 
Here is a list of those pillars that help to form a foundation of trust. Recognizing and addressing these can lead to a better mediation process.
 

1. Boundaries—Understanding what your soon-to-be ex-spouse’s (STBE’s) boundaries are, whether expressed in terms of physical space (important when still living together) or emotionally. Remember that a decision to divorce is a decision to live separate lives, and your STBE may not want your opinion about a future choice being contemplated. Many divorces are rooted in a desire for independence.
2. Honesty—The mediation process offers you both a chance to express yourselves and be heard. Doing so truthfully will make a big difference, and part of this is being honest with yourself.
3. Openness—This has several aspects including: (a) being open minded, willing to consider options, especially those offered by your STBE. You can listen without having to agree to what is being offered; (b) being open-hearted, another way to describe the willingness to show your vulnerability, just as you probably did when your marriage was in a good place; (c) being open to requests. During mediation, you may be asked to take on a task involving research or pay for something that you don’t want to. Anything you can do when asked contributes to the bank of good will.
4. Reliability—Regardless of your track record or that of your STBE, focusing on doing what you say you will do during mediation can make the process much smoother. It sets a positive impression of the present. It’s also an essential element of successful co-parenting, remembering that what you are doing is for your children.
5. Judgment—It is very hard to find someone who can avoid being judgmental at all times. However, if you can resist the urge to judge what your STBE says or how he/she wants to go forward in the world, you will make a meaningful contribution to the steady progress of mediation.

 
Keeping these pillars in mind as you navigate the difficult conversations of mediation may create a positive vibe—or at least prevent a negative one—and may even help the process go faster, which is what most clients seek.

At the beginning of the divorce mediation process, I send out a questionnaire to each spouse to help me find out how the couple communicates. In the responses I often discover that both find it hard to communicate effectively. This is not particularly surprising, as poor communication is often a symptom of a broken marriage. So, as a couple enters divorce mediation, the objective of successful communication is often facing off against inherent challenges experienced during the marriage.
 
When communication centers on disagreements, there is a strong tendency for each side to dig in, assume a strong position, and exhibit intense emotions. Depending on how you participate in these difficult conversations, you may “fight to be right” or, alternately, opt for getting it over with—give in, be done with it and be free.
 
I believe that mediation should promote mutually acceptable decisions. Difficult dynamics, if not addressed during mediation sessions, can often result in agreements that are regretted later by one or both spouses.
 
Divorce mediation involves an aspect of negotiation. More importantly, there is an opportunity in every mediation process to encourage two-way conversation. This promotes understanding and allows each of you to learn from the other.
 
Divorce mediation involves an aspect of negotiation. More importantly, there is an opportunity in every mediation process to encourage two-way conversation. This promotes understanding and allows each of you to learn from the other.
 
I have been engaged in my own learning experience over the past 15 months [credits to Cheryl Picard, author of Practising Insight Mediation, and my teacher, Jacinta Gallant from Prince Edward Island, Canada]. I’ve learned that conflict is rooted in an individual’s perception that something that matters greatly is threatened by the other person. This can worsen when your spoken intention is interpreted quite differently by the other.
 
It's little wonder to me that, in the absence of a neutral mediator who can help you better understand each other, the chances of a resolution that suits both of you will be diminished.
 
For me, the golden nugget in all of this is that you can understand what’s important to each other without necessarily agreeing with what is being said. At the same time, if you understand each other, it’s showing that you are listening to each other. Think how much better you each will feel if you are being heard!
 
Once you are all engaged in a learning dialogue—confident that what you are saying is being interpreted as you hoped it would be—the foundation has been built to explore choices that address what matters to each of you. From there, the path to agreement will hopefully be clearer. Like any building, the ability to withstand the test of time will depend on having a stable foundation.

An article I recently read by Stephanie Vozza was entitled, “’I don’t know’ can be the smartest answer.”
 
This caught my eye because I have often used a similar saying, namely, “The most important thing that you can know is what you don’t know.”
 
Stephanie’s article goes on to address how this statement can be a lesson for leadership. As a mediator, I do not relate as much to the concept of leadership except to note that I am a leader of the mediation process. This often means taking the lead with my clients in helping you to have a constructive dialogue.
 
Being willing to admit that we don’t have the answer has multiple significances:
 

1. A sign of humility. Conflict often arises when those who disagree are stuck in positions and often overlook what is really important to them. A conflict conversation can escalate when both of you are convinced that you are right because you think you know more than the other person. Isn’t it possible that you really don’t know the answer? When someone tells me that she/he “doesn’t know” or I say this to my clients (in responding to a specific question for which I don’t have the immediate expertise to answer), it’s an acknowledgment that we are being humble and honest. Truth and humility matter and can be constructive forces for meaningful dialogues.
2. An invitation to explore and learn. My first instinct after saying “I don’t know” is to wonder how I can discover the answer. It’s also an opportunity to take steps to decide how to find those answers. The information source could be online or contact with someone who has specific knowledge and training related to the question. 
3. Assurance of accuracy and credibility. As one who believes that informed decision making is a fundamental goal of the mediation process, providing accurate information is essential. On the flip side, providing erroneous information can be damaging to anyone’s credibility and even to one's reputation. Saying “I don’t know” is like being vaccinated against misleading the other person.
4. A request for time. Sometimes, the questions we are asked are not seeking factual information. Instead, they are looking for general feedback or a response to a proposal. Some of us can respond in the moment (but sometimes regret not taking the time to think things over), and others need time to process. In mediation, respecting the needs of those who need time to process—so that they can respond thoughtfully and constructively—enhances the possibility of a mutually agreeable resolution. In this context, not knowing is a statement for the moment. With time, the well-thought-out answer may transform the discussion in ways that move the mediation process forward.

 
Knowing what you don’t know—and being able to communicate this to others—symbolizes truth, curiosity, openness and credibility—all of which can enhance the difficult conversations that take place in divorce mediation.
 
Knowing what you don’t know—and being able to communicate this to others—symbolizes truth, curiosity, openness and credibility—all of which can enhance the difficult conversations that take place in divorce mediation.

Each marriage has its own uniqueness, involving two individuals with their own unique identify and style. In past generations, there have typically been assigned roles, like working father and stay-at-home mother, but this division of labor has changed significantly in the modern world. Making assumptions about the current roles of spouses is done at a mediator’s peril!
 
I have found it important in divorce mediation to consider a critical element in a marriage—the contributions each of you have brought to the relationship, whether positive or negative.
 
While not always directly related to these roles, I find it important in divorce mediation to consider a critical element in a marriage—the contributions each of you have brought to the relationship, whether positive or negative.
 
Why does a future-focused mediation process need to consider individual contributions from the past? Here are a few observations:
 

• Changing Responsibilities 
  In many households, one of you will likely have been the “financial manager,” with the result that the other spouse may have limited financial knowledge and may even struggle with the idea of taking on financial responsibilities. I use the mediation process to level the playing field, eliciting financial information and exploring what each of you can offer the other to assist both of you in taking charge of your finances. Similarly, divorce will often challenge the parent who may have spent less time caring for children in the marriage. Mediation can help you reshape priorities to reflect the new task of being an active co-parent.

• An Opportunity for Acknowledgment 
  Understandably, divorce can invoke a sense of failure and loss. Coping with that pain is difficult and can impede the progress of mediation. A way to deal with such pain is to take time to reflect on how each of you contributed to what did work in the marriage. Sharing this acknowledgment of each other can be a big step toward healthy closure. For example, many clients are able to reflect positively on the important role that the other parent has played in the children’s upbringing.

 

• Honest Self-Reflection
  Not all contributions are positive. In most divorces, there is a level of conflict or dysfunction that has caused the marriage to end. When you can each be aware of your part in your broken marriage, this awareness can often help you stay clear of those same negative behaviors while participating in mediation.   

 
It's often been said that the emotions of divorce are similar to those involving death. When a loved one dies, we are moved to celebrate their lives. As your marriage ends, you can still remember what you both contributed positively to the time you were together.

The decision to end a marriage is rarely made by both spouses at the same moment.  Usually one of you, after much consideration, and possibly after efforts have been made to “save” the marriage, declares to yourself (and maybe to the other), “I am done.”
 
If you are the spouse on the receiving end of this message, your reaction could be one of shock, dismay, or a sad acknowledgment of something you may have seen coming but did not feel ready to accept. 
 
For both of you, the immediate focus is likely to be on yourself, and a common thought is “What will this mean for me?” and, if you are a parent, “What will this mean for our children?”
 
It’s important for each of you to reflect upon what matters most to you about your future in the face of transition and uncertainty. With your future in the balance, both as an individual and possibly as a parent, putting “me” as a priority is to be expected.
 
If you choose to litigate your divorce, and take a risk of turning your divorce into a legal battle, the spotlight will remain on you, since all that will matter is what is important to “me.”
 
Mediation will require you to reframe the conversation from “me” to “we.”  My role as your mediator is to support that shift…
 
On the other hand, mediation will require you to reframe the conversation from “me” to “we.”  My role as your mediator is to support that shift, which means that you will each have a voice, you will each be heard, and together you will stay focused on what it will take for both of you to come to agreements on your own terms that don’t ignore what matters to each of you individually.
​
Mediation is a unique opportunity to channel what matters for each of you (the “me”) into a plan for you both (the “we”).

With the ending of a year, a new one is beginning. In one’s work life, a job ends and hopefully a new one begins. 
 
In my own life, over the last 13 years, I’ve seen the years change, my career change (from public finance and local government service to mediation), and my home change from upstate New York to Chicago.
 
It’s been a saying of mine that life is a book of many chapters. In a marriage that ends, that chapter of your life will conclude. This ending, just like a difficult year, may make you want to forget the bad experiences. Given the emotional duress that often comes with divorce, that may not be easy.
 
Hopefully, but not always, the episode that is ending had its bright moments, and these are the memories to preserve. In every challenge, there is a lesson to be carried to the next phase of life. We can learn so much from life experiences; we are wiser for what we take away. While there is a tendency to bury what has been hurtful or difficult, we should strive to review our experiences as a teaching opportunity to guide us forward into the future. 
 
In mediation, my hope is that our time together will help create a bridge from the past into the future, shaped by lessons learned and goals that you can set for yourselves. 

Just as every new year provides a blank slate for us to continue writing the story of our lives, one’s life after divorce is a new chapter of one’s own making. In mediation, my hope is that our time together will help create a bridge from the past into the future, shaped by lessons learned and goals that you can set for yourselves. 
 
As we leave the year 2022 and move away from jobs, homes or marriages, I encourage you to embrace the natural transition from an ending to a beginning—a fresh start in life’s journey.

In a dialogue with a colleague recently, we were discussing a problem encountered by a client and how to address problem solving in mediation.

It seems that, to some, it’s important to know what a court would do, and perhaps that’s how the professional would steer you.

When it comes to what a court would do, I prefer to send you to an attorney who can better advise you. I often wonder how much certainty a consulting attorney could offer, as it has always seemed to me that there can be a great deal of subjectivity in an individual judge’s interpretation of the law, based on the facts of a specific case.

From my perspective, the “problem” was created by one or both of the parties, and, as mediators, I don’t believe it is our role to solve the problem, but rather to help the parties understand the problem—discuss what matters in relation to addressing the question, consider the advantages and disadvantages of your options, and support efforts to help you make your own, informed decision on how to resolve the issue.

However, it’s important to remember that, when you as clients are facing a situation involving problem solving, I prefer to help you determine the best way to solve it. 
 
It could also be the case that you just want help to figure out the issue on your own, not caring as much about the specifics of the law at this juncture as what seems acceptable to both of you based on your own values and needs. 

It could also be the case that you just want help to figure out the issue on your own, not caring as much about the specifics of the law at this juncture as what seems acceptable to both of you based on your own values and needs. 

My colleague laid out several viable approaches that clients could take. Each of these could be examined with you, looking at what the financial implications of each option would be, and then letting you use that analysis of options to inform yourselves as to which choice may be most suitable. 
 
Helping clients develop a set of options, and then engage analysis and discussion, would seem to fit the facilitative mediation process best in this situation. 

As I write this, I am returning from the funeral services for my father-in-law, Robert.
 
Bob lived to the age of 96 and enjoyed mostly good health for all of his life.
 
I first met Bob when I was dating his daughter (my wife, Diane) in 1984. While he did not know me, I was treated then and always with cordiality and respect. While Bob was a man not inclined to say much, whenever I spoke with him he would freely share his thoughts, which were grounded in common sense. As a child of the Great Depression and later a World War II veteran, Bob was a member of what has been referred to as the Greatest Generation.
 
I always knew that Bob was very sensible with his money. What I came to learn in the last few days is that Bob never took out a loan, and, therefore, was able to save considerably, even though he earned only a modest income while working for Corning, Inc.
 
Bob’s story reminds me that there is much to learn from our elders—constructive attitudes about money, treating others with respect, and emphasizing thoughtfulness.

Bob’s story reminds me that there is much to learn from our elders—constructive attitudes about money, treating others with respect, and emphasizing thoughtfulness.
 
Bob enjoyed life fully for over 40 years after retirement, including the last four years that he spent in the loving and devoted care of my brother- and sister-in-law. There is so much to admire about this simple man.
 
How does this relate to my work in mediation? I understand that clients who are divorcing face immense challenges and may not be thinking about what their lives mean to others. I can only hope, as you transition into your next chapter, that you will remember the elders in your life who inspire you and that you will live a future that can likewise inspire others.

Families already are facing financial pressures from rising prices. Now there is a new challenge: the Federal Reserve Bank has increased interest rates for its member banks to levels not seen in over 15 years. On September 30, according to bankrate.com, the average 30-year mortgage rate increased to 6.83 percent.
 
This means that the monthly mortgage payment for a new mortgage (and this would include refinancing a mortgage) will be significantly higher. For example, for a mortgage loan of $300,000 one year ago (September 30, 2021), the 30-year rate was 3.01 percent, so the payment for mortgage principal and interest was $1,266.43 monthly. At 6.83 percent, that same payment would be $1,961.77, almost $700 higher each month, and over $8,000 more each year.
 
Not only will this interest-rate increase impact the affordability of refinancing a mortgage, but it will also make approval more difficult. Mortgage lenders submit applications for refinancing to underwriters, who follow strict approval criteria. One of the most important measurements of the ability to pay is the percentage of income that is committed to debt repayment. With the increase in monthly payments due to higher interest rates, the debt-to-income ratio will go up, rendering some ineligible for refinancing.
 
Since many divorce mediation cases involve a discussion about how to address the home that the couple owns together, conversations—in the face of higher interest rates—may prove to be more challenging.
 
Since many divorce mediation cases involve a discussion about how to address the home that the couple owns together, conversations—in the face of higher interest rates—may prove to be more challenging. Some may decide to postpone a buyout into the future, hoping for interest rates to decline or for increases in income. This strategy depends on whether the person who will no longer be living in the house is willing to remain on a mortgage for property no longer lived in. While most agreements provide protections to the non-resident owner for payment responsibility, that individual will continue to be listed on the mortgage. That listing can impact the ability to take on new debt for another residence.
 
In some cases, there may be no alternative except to sell the home. However, in considering this option, it’s important to understand that the future cost to either rent or pay a new mortgage may exceed the current mortgage cost. This is why, in mediation, we look very carefully at all of the options and evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of each possible scenario.
 
As a mediator, I am also aware that mortgage financing, whether it pertains to buying a home or refinancing a current mortgage, can be complicated. Fortunately, there is a group of specially trained experts known as Certified Divorce Lending Professionals (CDLPs) who can be called upon to assist my clients by looking at their specific circumstances and offering ideas and analysis to clarify possible options for moving forward.  
 
Using mediation and specialized professionals can lead to a much clearer focus on the possibilities for addressing the challenges of current financial conditions. 

Let me share a story from a colleague—a situation many divorce mediators have experienced. 

Steve and Nancy came to mediation. They worked with their mediator to develop a plan for their divorce. Many decisions were made, based on information being shared, options being explored and evaluated, and some amount of negotiation and compromise.
 
They each decided to hire an attorney to review the agreements they made in mediation. Steve hired an attorney who also mediates. Steve’s attorney had certain questions about their agreement, and Steve explained his reasoning for why he agreed to make certain decisions. Nancy engaged an attorney who is a seasoned divorce litigator. This attorney told Nancy that he would reach out to Steve’s attorney and attempt to renegotiate the mediated agreement or suggest that Nancy litigate the divorce so she could obtain a better outcome for herself. The attorneys spent several months negotiating an agreement different from what was reached in mediation. Steve was anxious to complete the divorce process and gave in on many of the issues.
 
What started as a cost-effective, amicable process involving decision making to meet personal needs changed into a more adversarial and costly legal process that placed advocacy ahead of collaboration. Both Nancy and Steve became disenchanted with the mediation process and the attorneys.
 
As a divorce mediator, I encourage you to seek legal representation when it is important for you to have the legal support that I cannot offer as a neutral mediator. However, the choice of a review attorney…can greatly influence the process.

As a divorce mediator, I encourage you to seek legal representation when it is important for you to have the legal support that I cannot offer as a neutral mediator. However, the choice of a review attorney, as seen in the above example, can greatly influence the process.
 
No mediator can protect you from an experience like the one encountered by Steve and Nancy. On the other hand, there are some the steps I take to reduce the likelihood of an agreement reached in mediation being unraveled by review attorneys:

1. Make sure you are properly informed. 
   If you have consulted with an attorney before or during mediation, you were probably given legal information and perhaps even legal advice. Because I can’t be sure if you have consulted with an attorney, I provide a summary of the laws that would apply to your divorce if you had contested your divorce in court.
2. Resolve legal questions during mediation. 
   Understanding that there are laws that apply to a contested divorce, you may prefer to make decisions that are different from “what would happen in court.” This allows you to meet your specific needs in a way that works better for you. In some cases, and for perfectly understandable reasons, you may navigate toward wanting to better understand of how a judge would evaluate an issue. In those situations, I find it useful to refer you for a legal consultation, or I will engage an attorney to join the mediation session in a neutral capacity to discuss what a Judge would consider in making a decision.
3. Identify decisions that are likely to be “questioned” by a review attorney.
   When you make choices that may differ from certain norms (i.e., unequal division of assets and debts, or child support or maintenance that differs from state guidelines), I will ask you to think about how you would explain your reasoning for agreeing in mediation to make that decision.  My hope is that any question asked by a review attorney will have already been asked by me.
4. Provide referrals to attorneys who support mediation and self-determination. 
   You are always free to seek out legal advice from the attorney of you choice, but most clients are appreciative of referrals. My list of review attorneys is limited to attorneys who either offer mediation services as a part of their practice or are trained as collaborative attorneys.  

When you decide to mediate your divorce, you are acting on the principle that you can make your own decisions about how to end your marriage, which may include getting legal advice or a constructive legal review of the decisions you’ve made. With information, preparation, and legal assistance that respects the mediation process, you will be far less likely to suffer the fate of Steve and Nancy.