​It has been said that mediation is an art form. This depiction resonates with me—when I think of art, my mind goes to the concept of being creative.
 
While there are common themes to mediation styles, I think of my own mediation style as being my signature. It is mine and no one else’s. As part of that signature, a key attribute for me as a good mediator is to be authentic.
 
Creativity is a hallmark of mediation. How a mediator practices his/her creative skills is often a matter of style. While there are common themes to mediation styles, I think of my own mediation style as being my signature. It is mine and no one else’s. As part of that signature, a key attribute for me as a good mediator is to be authentic.
 
As I consider what it means to be authentic in my role as a mediator, this is what comes to mind:
 
Being who I am
 

• Curious, which reflects my interest in what is important to you and why it’s important to you
• Transparent, meaning that I want you to know about me, why I became a mediator, why I believe in mediation, and about my experience outside of mediation, including my family
• An educator, by providing information and resources to help you make informed decisions that are acceptable and meet your future goals

 
Being present
 

• Focused on what is happening, what is being said, what is being felt
• Promoting constructive communication, where everyone is heard, and building understanding.
• Acknowledging and validating the needs that are expressed and the emotions being felt by you and by your soon-to-be ex

 
Being consistent
 

• Offering a calm and safe space for challenging conversations in each mediation session
• Providing a structured approach to mediation that allows for adaptation to individual needs
• Asking important questions to ensure that the impact of proposed decisions is properly considered
• Being responsive to all communication outside of mediation sessions, including inquiries from new clients
• Being thorough to ensure that all topics are clearly addressed in mediation

 
As a mediator, my intention is always to be trustable, available and creative in my responses. I promise to be someone you both can count on for professionalism and thoughtful, compassionate support in your divorce process. 

When two people decide to leave a marriage behind, a healthy transition includes a conversation about setting appropriate boundaries. Each relationship is different, so it’s really up to you to determine the boundaries that will work best for the future.
 
When there are no children of a marriage, there is an underlying question about what, if any, relationship you will have with your soon-to-be ex-spouse. In some marriages, a friendship will endure even though the marriage didn’t work. The future boundaries of these relationships can often mirror those that you would have with a close friend. On the other hand, some childless spouses decide that the pain experienced during the relationship requires a firewall that will result in little or no future contact.
 
When there are children of a marriage, whether younger children or adults, future interactions will most likely be the rule and not the exception. Not only will you experience the intertwining of your futures, but your children will also observe how you each navigate with the other.
 
As you keep your children in the center of your lives after divorce, the way in which you communicate with your ex has as great an impact on your children’s adjustment as it does on yours. 
 
As you are thinking about what boundaries to set in your future relationship as ex-spouses, I offer the following for your consideration:

1. A divorce is a conscious act to lead separate lives. As much as you may think your ex is making a poor choice in her/his personal life, it is now that one’s choice to make, just as you get to make your own choices in your personal life.
2. On a related note, as you decide to go your separate ways, remember that your ex needs to be able to speak for her- or himself, just as you most likely want to have this same freedom, so you can both speak and own your own truth. Telling the other person what they are supposedly thinking is a trigger for conflict.
3. The timing of a physical separation (living in separate residences) will vary. If you are planning to live under the same roof as your divorce process unfolds, planning for personal space for each of you is important.
4. As you keep your children in the center of your lives after divorce, the way in which you communicate with your ex has as great an impact on your children’s adjustment as it does on yours. What form of communication is best (text, email, phone)? When is the best time to communicate with each other about your children? When should you NOT discuss parenting matters? (Hint: talking about parenting in front of your children is usually a bad idea.)
5. If you are both attending events involving your children, are there any ground rules that are needed so you can both feel comfortable and be able to enjoy the experience of seeing your children perform, participate in sports, etc.? This is especially relevant when you or your ex has a significant other who may also be present.
6. Divorce is difficult. What other boundaries do you need and what boundaries does your ex need from you, so you can both heal and grow into your next chapter?

By establishing boundaries that you both honor and respect, you are taking steps toward a healthier and happier future.

Based on my experience in working with couples who are divorcing, a common goal is to complete the divorce mediation process as efficiently and cost-effectively as possible. However, it’s always hard to predict (in terms of number of sessions and overall time) how long it will take to complete the mediation process.
 
In my divorce mediation practice, I emphasize a structured approach. . . A structured mediation begins by providing you with tools that you can use to prepare for your mediation sessions
 
In my divorce mediation practice, I emphasize a structured approach. “Structure” is, in a single word, the mainstay of what I want to bring to you. After all, most clients who work with me have never experienced divorce, don’t necessarily know what it entails, and will explain that their expectation of the mediator is to help them figure out what they need to do in order to end their marriage.
 
A structured mediation begins by providing you with tools that you can use to prepare for your mediation sessions. Here are some of those tools:

1. A list of financial documents, prepared ahead of time
   Financial disclosure is essential to transparency. Without knowledge of the assets, debts and sources of income within a marriage, informed decision making involving financial topics cannot occur.  
2. A comprehensive list of divorce mediation topics
   Knowing what will be discussed in mediation can be helpful for several reasons. It will allow you to think about a topic ahead of time so you can be ready to express your thoughts about how the topic should be addressed, whether it relates to parenting, the division of assets and debts, or financial support arrangements. For some clients who communicate well without a mediator, a list of topics may permit you to reach tentative agreements ahead of time, to present at mediation, so any logistical or implementation issues can be addressed.
3. A parenting-plan outline
   The parenting plan you will complete in mediation addresses decision making, parenting time and co-parenting guidelines. Many parenting plans have similar provisions, with some tailoring to meet the specific needs of each family. An outline provides a starting point, understanding that, especially as it relates to parenting time, each family will create a different schedule.
4. Budgeting worksheets
   ​​One of many goals of divorce mediation is to create plans that will result in both households being financially sustainable. A budget affords the opportunity to each of you to estimate future income and expenses. Such budgets can illustrate how one household may struggle financially while the other may not. This information can help frame a conversation about necessary financial support arrangements (child support, maintenance) and how those can produce sustainability in both households.

By employing these tools at the outset of mediation, the seeds of a structured mediation process  are planted. This often helps you hit the ground running at the initial session, giving you confidence that the mediation won’t be endless.