At the beginning of the divorce mediation process, I send out a questionnaire to each spouse to help me find out how the couple communicates. In the responses I often discover that both find it hard to communicate effectively. This is not particularly surprising, as poor communication is often a symptom of a broken marriage. So, as a couple enters divorce mediation, the objective of successful communication is often facing off against inherent challenges experienced during the marriage.
 
When communication centers on disagreements, there is a strong tendency for each side to dig in, assume a strong position, and exhibit intense emotions. Depending on how you participate in these difficult conversations, you may “fight to be right” or, alternately, opt for getting it over with—give in, be done with it and be free.
 
I believe that mediation should promote mutually acceptable decisions. Difficult dynamics, if not addressed during mediation sessions, can often result in agreements that are regretted later by one or both spouses.
 
Divorce mediation involves an aspect of negotiation. More importantly, there is an opportunity in every mediation process to encourage two-way conversation. This promotes understanding and allows each of you to learn from the other.
 
Divorce mediation involves an aspect of negotiation. More importantly, there is an opportunity in every mediation process to encourage two-way conversation. This promotes understanding and allows each of you to learn from the other.
 
I have been engaged in my own learning experience over the past 15 months [credits to Cheryl Picard, author of Practising Insight Mediation, and my teacher, Jacinta Gallant from Prince Edward Island, Canada]. I’ve learned that conflict is rooted in an individual’s perception that something that matters greatly is threatened by the other person. This can worsen when your spoken intention is interpreted quite differently by the other.
 
It's little wonder to me that, in the absence of a neutral mediator who can help you better understand each other, the chances of a resolution that suits both of you will be diminished.
 
For me, the golden nugget in all of this is that you can understand what’s important to each other without necessarily agreeing with what is being said. At the same time, if you understand each other, it’s showing that you are listening to each other. Think how much better you each will feel if you are being heard!
 
Once you are all engaged in a learning dialogue—confident that what you are saying is being interpreted as you hoped it would be—the foundation has been built to explore choices that address what matters to each of you. From there, the path to agreement will hopefully be clearer. Like any building, the ability to withstand the test of time will depend on having a stable foundation.

An article I recently read by Stephanie Vozza was entitled, “’I don’t know’ can be the smartest answer.”
 
This caught my eye because I have often used a similar saying, namely, “The most important thing that you can know is what you don’t know.”
 
Stephanie’s article goes on to address how this statement can be a lesson for leadership. As a mediator, I do not relate as much to the concept of leadership except to note that I am a leader of the mediation process. This often means taking the lead with my clients in helping you to have a constructive dialogue.
 
Being willing to admit that we don’t have the answer has multiple significances:
 

1. A sign of humility. Conflict often arises when those who disagree are stuck in positions and often overlook what is really important to them. A conflict conversation can escalate when both of you are convinced that you are right because you think you know more than the other person. Isn’t it possible that you really don’t know the answer? When someone tells me that she/he “doesn’t know” or I say this to my clients (in responding to a specific question for which I don’t have the immediate expertise to answer), it’s an acknowledgment that we are being humble and honest. Truth and humility matter and can be constructive forces for meaningful dialogues.
2. An invitation to explore and learn. My first instinct after saying “I don’t know” is to wonder how I can discover the answer. It’s also an opportunity to take steps to decide how to find those answers. The information source could be online or contact with someone who has specific knowledge and training related to the question. 
3. Assurance of accuracy and credibility. As one who believes that informed decision making is a fundamental goal of the mediation process, providing accurate information is essential. On the flip side, providing erroneous information can be damaging to anyone’s credibility and even to one's reputation. Saying “I don’t know” is like being vaccinated against misleading the other person.
4. A request for time. Sometimes, the questions we are asked are not seeking factual information. Instead, they are looking for general feedback or a response to a proposal. Some of us can respond in the moment (but sometimes regret not taking the time to think things over), and others need time to process. In mediation, respecting the needs of those who need time to process—so that they can respond thoughtfully and constructively—enhances the possibility of a mutually agreeable resolution. In this context, not knowing is a statement for the moment. With time, the well-thought-out answer may transform the discussion in ways that move the mediation process forward.

 
Knowing what you don’t know—and being able to communicate this to others—symbolizes truth, curiosity, openness and credibility—all of which can enhance the difficult conversations that take place in divorce mediation.
 
Knowing what you don’t know—and being able to communicate this to others—symbolizes truth, curiosity, openness and credibility—all of which can enhance the difficult conversations that take place in divorce mediation.

Each marriage has its own uniqueness, involving two individuals with their own unique identify and style. In past generations, there have typically been assigned roles, like working father and stay-at-home mother, but this division of labor has changed significantly in the modern world. Making assumptions about the current roles of spouses is done at a mediator’s peril!
 
I have found it important in divorce mediation to consider a critical element in a marriage—the contributions each of you have brought to the relationship, whether positive or negative.
 
While not always directly related to these roles, I find it important in divorce mediation to consider a critical element in a marriage—the contributions each of you have brought to the relationship, whether positive or negative.
 
Why does a future-focused mediation process need to consider individual contributions from the past? Here are a few observations:
 

• Changing Responsibilities 
  In many households, one of you will likely have been the “financial manager,” with the result that the other spouse may have limited financial knowledge and may even struggle with the idea of taking on financial responsibilities. I use the mediation process to level the playing field, eliciting financial information and exploring what each of you can offer the other to assist both of you in taking charge of your finances. Similarly, divorce will often challenge the parent who may have spent less time caring for children in the marriage. Mediation can help you reshape priorities to reflect the new task of being an active co-parent.

• An Opportunity for Acknowledgment 
  Understandably, divorce can invoke a sense of failure and loss. Coping with that pain is difficult and can impede the progress of mediation. A way to deal with such pain is to take time to reflect on how each of you contributed to what did work in the marriage. Sharing this acknowledgment of each other can be a big step toward healthy closure. For example, many clients are able to reflect positively on the important role that the other parent has played in the children’s upbringing.

 

• Honest Self-Reflection
  Not all contributions are positive. In most divorces, there is a level of conflict or dysfunction that has caused the marriage to end. When you can each be aware of your part in your broken marriage, this awareness can often help you stay clear of those same negative behaviors while participating in mediation.   

 
It's often been said that the emotions of divorce are similar to those involving death. When a loved one dies, we are moved to celebrate their lives. As your marriage ends, you can still remember what you both contributed positively to the time you were together.